15 August 2010

Getting Ready for the next evolution...

So, here it comes...I am just a few short months away from being ten years older than I ever thought I would live to be.  While turning 35 is definitely a milestone, I have come to look at it as something pretty scary.  My dear friend Karon will be living here in NYC with me by that time, and we are planning a HUGE joint birthday bash.

But all this planning and nervousness and excitement leads to a bigger question.  What have I done with the past 35 years that makes me proud?   There are few answers to that question that satisfy me.  I have huge dreams, and a body that does not always cooperate with my mind.  I want to be a part of the world, yet am sometimes afraid to go out in it.  I love my family and friends, and often love my solitude more.  I want to finish my degree, yet am afraid my health will fail again in the middle of a semester, and force me to drop all my classes.  I want to run for office, but am afraid my past will come back to haunt me.  I am so...mortal.  So human.  In my wildest dreams, I was always living in New York, successful, loved.  Well, I have 2 out of 3.  I have yet to find the kind of success that makes me feel safe, feel like what I do matters.  My friends and family are my biggest support and my greatest critics all rolled into one.  My Dad recently told me he had given up hope that I would ever graduate.  I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive him for giving up on me.  Any more than I will ever forgive myself for believing him.

Tonight, I watched 'The Blind Side' starring Sandra Bullock.  The story told there is one of how to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds.  Watching it, I realized that, in a way, it is the story of me, of all of us.  Every life has a set of challenges.  The choices we make in dealing with them are what sets us apart from one another.  The way we relate to our fellow human beings make us who we become and dictate how we are remembered.  I will use this blog, and you, my dear readers as my touch stone.  You will be my witnesses, my inspirations, my raison d'etre.  Even if nobody ever reads this, I will use it as a journal, a chronicle if you will, of my journey through life.

Thank you, whoever you are, for being there, and for being a part of the next evolution...

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