Certainly I don't talk about my mother mother's very often . I write about her even less. However , in the aftermath of the past 7 days I find it necessary to invoke her name.
Late last week my mother had her second heart attack. She's alive and well from what I hear. I have you speak to her which pains me in a way that I almost didn't expect. When you think that someone has lost their power over you it's rather unnerving to find that they still hold significant sway. Especially when that person is your parent. Not that the word means anything much with regard to her-she has missed every important milestone since my first steps. I only vaguely remember ever living with her, and to say our relationship is estranged would be akin to saying the US and Cuba are cozy.
Yet still I find myself ripped open by her lack of communication, by her failure to tell me she had a boyfriend, moved to another city, and now had another possibly fatal medical emergency. She demands I share terribly personal similar information with her by invoking the word "mother." Or by saying it's all my dad's fault that we aren't closer.
FACT: we aren't close because I have had to protect my emotional health from her influence and her lack of any sort of relationship with the truth, NOT because of my father.
Back to the issue at hand: my mother, after 2 cardiac arrests, is likely dying from heart disease, compounded by years of drug use and poor diet. She is going to die. And it's going to be ok. But I am anything but okay right now. A thousand miles away, without even a current phone number for her, I am having a heart attack of a different kind. My mommy is in trouble, and I am helpless to engage any resources to assist.
I am powerless, not because I am weak, but because my strength right now is needed here. I have to help me get through the storm to come. Nobody else can.
I love you, Mother. I would do almost anything to help you. Except sacrifice the future I am beginning to see for myself.
Love and Light,
Cole
Late last week my mother had her second heart attack. She's alive and well from what I hear. I have you speak to her which pains me in a way that I almost didn't expect. When you think that someone has lost their power over you it's rather unnerving to find that they still hold significant sway. Especially when that person is your parent. Not that the word means anything much with regard to her-she has missed every important milestone since my first steps. I only vaguely remember ever living with her, and to say our relationship is estranged would be akin to saying the US and Cuba are cozy.
Yet still I find myself ripped open by her lack of communication, by her failure to tell me she had a boyfriend, moved to another city, and now had another possibly fatal medical emergency. She demands I share terribly personal similar information with her by invoking the word "mother." Or by saying it's all my dad's fault that we aren't closer.
FACT: we aren't close because I have had to protect my emotional health from her influence and her lack of any sort of relationship with the truth, NOT because of my father.
Back to the issue at hand: my mother, after 2 cardiac arrests, is likely dying from heart disease, compounded by years of drug use and poor diet. She is going to die. And it's going to be ok. But I am anything but okay right now. A thousand miles away, without even a current phone number for her, I am having a heart attack of a different kind. My mommy is in trouble, and I am helpless to engage any resources to assist.
I am powerless, not because I am weak, but because my strength right now is needed here. I have to help me get through the storm to come. Nobody else can.
I love you, Mother. I would do almost anything to help you. Except sacrifice the future I am beginning to see for myself.
Love and Light,
Cole
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